The moments that string together a life are so intricately woven, that if a single thing was different, your life would change completely. I believe wholeheartedly that everything, no matter how minute or catastrophic, has a reason and purpose.
Therefore, while it’s painful, I don’t question when people fall out of my life. They were supposed to be there for that amount of time, and I am thankful to have had them in my life. There are a few people that I wished hadn’t fallen out of my life, but at the same time, I can’t question why they’re gone. I can grieve and miss them. They took a part of my heart that I can never get back, after all. But I can never question why they’re gone.
It’s only nights like this, where my room is empty and my bed is freezing and all I can hear is the air conditioner humming that it hits me. It hits me that I don’t have that special someone to talk to until 4 o’clock in the morning. It hits me that I don’t have that special someone to snuggle up to and wrap my arms around as we fall asleep. It hits me that I don’t have that special someone to bring this amazing warmth to my heart that makes me smile at the mere thought of her. It hits me and I fall backwards.
But I can’t stay down for long and pick myself up and throw myself into writing a story or creating a character or story-boarding a scene from my head or even practice Japanese. I still wonder how a single person can have such profound effect on me. And sometimes I wonder if I’ve had that effect on them, and then when I realize that I haven’t… well… my journal fills even faster.
Sorry, for the kind of emo-blurb, tonight. But honestly… tonight it just hit me.
When I was 4 years old, my dad and I were walking along the beach. I was fascinated by the phenomenon of his silhouette. I didn’t understand why the light shining directly on him made him look so dark. I jumped in and out of his shadow to make it change back and forth. I stopped when he told me that looking at the sun would ruin my eyes, I closed my eyes and was blown away that I could still see his outline when my eyes were closed. When I asked him why that was, he told me a beautiful story about how that’s what it’ll be like when he’s my guardian angel in the future. That even when it looks like he’s not there, that all I have to do is close my eyes and even in the darkness, he’ll still be looking over me.
Hm… so… apparently it’s a mystery according to Wikipedia. This is a pretty interesting article, especially since so many other languages claimed to have coined it first. Its earliest recorded usage was in a Tennessee court legislation, way back in 1790. And who says slang goes out of style?