“So I suppose you can say I’m quite a religious woman that is very confused about religion and I dream of and envision a future where we have a more peaceful religion or a more peaceful world, a more peaceful state of mind for the younger generation”—Lady Gaga
I was afraid of the emo/punk/goth kids in high school (laughs). I was a somewhat preppy goody two shoes I suppose. I learned A LOT when I went to college, big culture shock.
You are right; there are a lot of mixed signals. Mainly because I love her, and I’m almost 100% sure she’s in love with me, but we can’t be together. I think that’s what hurts most. There is a distance between us, and normally I wouldn’t try something like that but this is anything but normal. The thing is I was the opposite of you. I’ve been single for a couple years. I was happy to be alone, unattached, not really letting anyone in. Then she came around. First of all, I freaked out because it was girl and that really turned my world upside down and I resisted at every turn. Try as I might when I saw her though, I still took some kind of leap and I kissed her. I hate reliving that night in my head over and over again because it was just…amazing. It was a big mistake on my part but even after this I tried to deny her because I just couldn’t fathom what was going on. What would my friends think? My parents would disown me! There seemed to be a million reasons why being with her was a really bad idea, but I still loved her and it drove me crazy. I got scared…and it cost me her. I feel like we were very intimate, very close. We just clicked you know? At first everything was so easy before I let my brain intrude. When I looked at her it was like the world around me just disappeared and all that mattered was us. Her love and affection, I can only imagine, was like being high. Even now when I see her, it’s there…we both fight it, but…it’s there.
I’ve done that too, just stayed in bed all day…sad to say I’ve done it for 2 or 3 days before. I just wanted to sleep it away. I agree about the moping, at some point you really have to pick yourself up. I have a lot of really good days. In fact so much that sometimes I feel guilty about being so happy without her. Then something will happen that I’ll want to tell her and then I remember she’s gone. I never used to hope before, or think that I was ever the type of person who would fall in love…she made me believe in love. To be honest I want to forget. Up until last night I think I was still holding onto some tragic sense of hope. Now I just want to build up the walls again, I never want to let her close enough to hurt me again. I’m pretty sure self preservation has kicked in, full force.
I love film making, writing, story creating, reading and running too! Sometimes it’s just therapeutic to put in your ipod and just run. I love when I really connect with a song and its lyrics. I googled beat boxing…wow, yea I would suck that that (laughs) I have 0 rhythm.
Yes! You did help and you didn’t have to, which makes you pretty awesome. You word things so beautifully; I really enjoy reading your posts and I LOVE that you ramble! It’s not every day I come across someone who rambles like me. It makes me smile.
Sorry! I just realized that this never saved to my queue! :(
You sound like a really cool chick, who deserves someone in their life who won’t unfairly pull at your heart strings. But I understand the whole feeling of helpless that you could never be together. Besides it being super complicated, worrying about what your family thinks never helps.
I promise though, if you ever did tell your family and they truly love you, then they will do anything to keep you in their lives, including accepting you. It’s hard and it’ll take time. But fear is never a good thing in a family. I’m not telling you it’ll work out necessarily, but it’s better to be honest than dishonest.
It took me 4 years to tell my mum, and it was incredibly stressful. But once I told her and we talked (and still talk) about it, I think those years of silence and pain started to heal. It’s a slow process and we still say the wrong things at the wrong times, but that’s just part of being a family. And just today we were talking wedding bands and marriage and she asked me if she thought I’d the one to propose since I’m the more “tomboy” type. It was cute and we both laughed.
So, don’t give up on love or your family or most importantly — yourself.
You seem like you’ve got a lot going for you and we have a lot of the same interests. So if you think I’m awesome, then you must be awesome, too (by the hold transitive property thing). So I don’t know? Take a chance with this girl? Talk to her about it? Or wait for the next special person to come around? Because the way I see it, awesome people attract other awesome people. It’s just the way the world works.
And as you can see, I’ll always ramble. So I guess you’ll just have to keep on smiling. Success!
So… . I’ve been struggling all semester trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Switching majors from physics to film was probably the biggest decision I’ve ever made an my life, but now so many doors are open that I don’t know what to do. I have this burning passion for people. I love to talk to them. I love to help them. In general, I just really love people.
So now… here I am, contemplating the rest of my life. And all I can think about is that I want to travel and help others. I want to live in Asia (preferably Japan) and I want to make films about it.
Because of the whole switching major thing, I’m looking at a 5th year of school. But there’s all these awesome opportunities to study abroad and have it funded that I thought… maybe I could do that? I looked around and Singapore seems like it’d be a really nice fit because it’s in Asia and they allow English speakers to study there. Their second spoken language is Chinese (Mandarin).
And learning Chinese is seeming very appealing to me. For the first time ever I’m starting to contemplate working for the Peace Corps in China. They have this amazing program where you teach English through Western cinema. Could you imagine me teaching Chinese kids about Hollywood and having them make their own video projects?
Plus, between English, Japanese and Chinese, I would be able to communicate with over 75% of the human population. That is so freaking awesome. It would also fulfill my service requirement for the Boren Scholarship I got last summer.
And then to top all of this off… I’d ultimately like to go back to Japan and work for their JET (Japan Exchange and Teaching) Program. They like to see work experience, which is where the Peace Corps would come in handy as I would be teaching English again.
And then throughout all of these experiences I would chronicle them with film, draw inspirations and begin networking for future projects. That way when I apply for graduate school in either America, England or Japan for an MFA in film-making, I’ll have an amazing porfolio, connections and most importantly ideas.
They say artists dream big. I’m a little new to this scene, but I guess I’m starting now.
I want to help people. And I’ve discovered I can do more good behind a camera than I can from behind a lab bench.
A little 5-page piece about a character who is transitioning from female to male during high school. His only problem is that he hasn’t settled on a name, so he’s still called Kaitlyn. Really loved the father-son interaction that developed.
You know when an idea hits you? And then you don’t stop thinking about it for a few days. And then finally you do something about it, and it turns into this amazing cathartic feeling? That’s how I feel after I write a script.
I now know what I’m doing for Campus Movie Fest next year. I might treat you guys to some story boards later on today after I iron out the script a little more.
Yes, I do! I got it for going to Japan so I could use it as an electronic dictionary AND a way to talk to my parents. Although I have been happily surprised by being able to read eBooks and, you know, drawing on it. :)
She’s made films about Takarazuka (first time an outsider was ever allowed backstage), transsexual Japanese guys, Kenya women fighting female circumcision, female sumo wrestlers, Iranian women getting divorces, female refugees in Iran, and most recently about troubled kids.
Emilie Jones is an amazing friend of mine and a teacher in a high poverty area of the Bronx through the Teach for America program. Having a laptop in the classroom would really help her take her students to the next level. Please repost!
What do you look for in a person/ future relationship?
Hm… if you had asked me this question 6 months ago, I would have a totally different, much shallower answer. However, having finally started accepting what I do and do not like and started figuring myself out, my answer is this:
1) She’s got to be out. This is the first time this has ever been a requirement for me, but now it’s the most important thing for me. I’m so tired of being an “experiment” or the “gateway lesbian.” I want a girl to be okay with liking girls and not have that be the sole focus of the relationship. I want her to be into me and not in shock about it, just in shock by how amazing it is :)
2) She’s gotta be blunt. I need someone who can cut through all of my BS and tell when I’m exagerating. I want someone to tell me when my stuff sucks so that way I totally believe her when she says she likes something. So yeah, I like them to be a little bitchy… they’ve just gotta be able to cuddle, too.
3) She’s got to have intriguing eyes. I used to say non-brown, but I’ve since learned that they are beautiful, too, at the right moments. But I love to look into someone’s eyes and really study every part of them. There’s just something so intimate and unique and beautiful about them.
So those are my three big things. I mean I have shallow things like: foreign, short, cute, etc. But those aren’t nearly as important.
If I went on looks alone they’d be a green/blue eyed Lebanese girl. But I dated one of those once, and while that was my most amazing/intense relationship I ever had… she ultimately broke my heart and I never quite got over it… so I’ve learned to judge a book by it’s cover.
Have you considered taking over for dear abby? lol You're amazing.
Haha! No, no, no. I’d be terrible at that! I don’t know if someone with the vocabulary of a 4th grader (i.e. me) should be writing a professional advice column lol.
I was actually really surprised when I got my first message about relationship advice because, honestly, I’m the last person in the world who should be giving it. But I’ll never shy away from a challenge!
So thank you for the compliment, it most certainly made me smile. :D Got a question? Ask!
i, too, have been identifying with/"enjoying" your recent relationship-related posts. i feel like your last one in particular is really good. (i want to show it to my ex, 'cause i think it's things he needs to consider, and would help our friendship, but i don't want to be too didactic about it, so who knows.)
i'm in the sort of weird situation where we broke up almost a year ago, and we've decided to stay friends (we're really still each others' best friends almost), but there have been wavering feelings on both sides--mostly with him wanting to get back together. my sentiments are more towards possible potential in the future after both he and i mature a bit more, if we're both interested, ofc.
recently, though, i think i'm having a hard time of letting go of some of the hurt from bad times both in the relationship and after, as well as just letting go of the relationship in general. this seems kind of ridiculous to me, since it's been about 10 months, but it was also only my first relationship (lol kinda late bloomer) and i don't know what's "normal" in terms of getting over things/etc.
so, yeah... hi-five single ladies? even though it's a bit depressing from time to time. :/
Yeah, being friends with an ex is really difficult. I’m friends with 2.5 of the 5 girls I’ve dated. So I mean that’s 50% but still not very good.
And there’s no rhyme or reason to it. I’ve learned the art of giving someone space, and when the moment feels right to talk to them then to just go with it. I’ve never dated someone again after a long break though, and I don’t think it’ll ever happen. There was a reason it fell apart in the first place, and unless both people are totally different from the last time… then sadly history is probably doomed to repeat itself.
However, I think if enough time has passed and both parties have grown individually and matured, then when they meet again, they may find new reasons to fall in love again while still having that past connection. So I don’t know, you’re just going to have to wait. But I definitely wouldn’t pull all my eggs in one basket, that never ends well. Trust me on that.
And yeah, being single is a little depressing, but I’m told it gets better. The right person always seems to come around when you least expect it, so I keep telling myself to stop looking. But I’m terrible! And you can’t help it if you get butterflies around someone. But it’s all about timing. And if you’re not over a relationship, yet, then don’t dive into the next one because you need time to heal. Some people like rebounds… I’ve always felt like the other person always gets hurt and it can ruin a friendship.
But like I said, there’s no rules on the right way to go. You know yourself better than I do. And maybe… just maybe, if you’re hurting because you’re alone and it’s causing you to think about past relationships… then maybe it wouldn’t hurt to start dating again? Just to get out there and see new people. Nothing may come of it, but it might help with processing and realizing there are other fish in the sea. Please, excuse the cliche! :)
But whatever you decide to do, make sure it’s the decision you want, not because someone told you it’s the “right” way or you were discouraged because you were told it was the “wrong” thing to do. It’s times like this when a manual on life would be really amazing! But I guess we’ll just have to keep stumbling around until we figure it out by trial and error. :)
We have more in common than you think.
As for me, I thought I was over it...but I guess I'm just not there yet. It was just one of THOSE nights you know? It makes me feel weak. I keep thinking I deserve better or more. I keep thinking that it's all wrong and I shouldn't want to even be with that person. Just when I thought I had moved on it was like the feelings came rushing back (despite other people who want to be with me) and I couldn't stop them...even worse, I kind of didn't want to. It just hurts all over again. I'm hoping when I wake up I'll forget the last 2 hours ever happened and I'll be good again. Right now it's hard to imagine things being good again without them. Any advice?
Wow...that was truly depressing, I'm sorry I happened to check your blog when I was fresh off the rollercoaster. I hope everything is going great with you, and I'm glad I could make you smile, you should smile because you are very pretty when you do ;)
Please, don’t ever worry about being too depressing around me! Fun fact: I used to be an emo/punk/goth wannabe waaaaaay back in high school. I have the Tripp pants to prove it!
But nostalgic, disastrous high school trends aside, I totally know where you’re coming from with feeling weak after a really rough relationship, especially if it’s confusing and full of mixed signals. A few weeks ago, every bad aspect of every relationship I’ve ever had came crashing down on me. I felt suffocated and literally couldn’t move from my bed. I ended up emailing my teachers to tell them I wasn’t going to be able to make it to class and took 24 hours to stare at my ceiling and think about everything and really, really evaluate myself.
And yeah, THOSE nights hurt. They hurt more than anything because there’s nothing you can do to change the way you feel about someone. I mean, if we could chose who we fell in love, then I’m pretty sure everyone’s lives would be so much easier. However, natural selection didn’t pan out that way so I guess we’re stuck with “feeling our feelings,” which is something my best friend has taught me a lot about over the last two years. Grieving is a very natural human process and an important step in processing the loss of a special person in your life.
Don’t ever under value the effect the “death” of a relationship can have. In really intimate relationships, a couple often starts to identify as a single unit, whether it the cheesy, annoying “connected at the hip” type or the very private “cuddle by the fireplace” kind. So when the couple dissolves, it’s like the “life” of that relationship is gone and that’s one of the reasons it hurts so much. My only caution in processing the end of a relationship, however, is to be wary of when grieving turns into moping because at that point it’s unhealthy.
And love’s a crazy thing. There’s no “right time” or “right way.” For every person who tells you that there are certain rules, then there are at least a dozen proven counterexamples. Example: Long distance didn’t work for me. But I wouldn’t exist if it hadn’t worked for my parents. So maybe this is something the two of you need to go through to grow closer together. That said, however, I do think self-reflection is really, really important. Love has got to be a two-way street for it to work. So if you’re not feeling the love 24/7 and at an equal level to your’s, then it might be time to take a break and really figure out what’s going on. I’m a big believer in the only way a relationship stands a chance at working is if both people are on the same page. Which is a little hypocritical of me to say because I was one of the worst people at recognizing when me and my past girlfriends were in totally different libraries!
Here’s a little back story on me. I’ve dated pretty consistently since I was a freshman in high school. I would constantly make excuses, fight, scream, cry and even lie to stay with that person because I was mortified of being alone. This is the first time in my life that I honestly can’t picture myself with someone, and I’m not gonna lie that it terrifies me. I think part of me has always defined myself as being someone’s girlfriend, and losing that was sort of like an identity crisis. I didn’t really know who I was anymore, and that’s a really bad state of mind to be in, especially with tests and projects and switching majors and a myriad of other things that go on in a college student’s life.
But you want to what being a single lady has taught me? (Once I stopped being mopey that is!) For the first time, I’m learning new things about myself. Like my love of film-making and writing and story-creating. I love reading again and enjoy running to music. And I’m even learning to beat-box! There’s all these awesome things about myself that I had no idea about or didn’t have any confidence about. And I only discovered them because of one decision I made after this most recent breakup. I decided that in order for me to have a healthy future relationship, then before I can safely like someone else, first and foremost, I must learn to like myself.
So I don’t know if that helps you or not or was just me rambling mindlessly into the internet, but I do hope you find some peace with this special person of yours. And I hope you discover some new things about yourself that can make you smile, too, because I’m under the impression that everyone looks beautiful when they smile. That is, of course, with the exception of Donald Trump. Poor guy.
I really enjoyed reading your entry, "It just hit me" on April 30th. I can really relate. If I didn't know any better I would have thought I wrote it! You seem to have a good attitude about it all and don't worry, soon you'll be cuddling, smiling and sleep deprived because of someone special again.
Aw… :) Well, this is super sweet! Thank you so much! It made me smile probably the biggest smile I’ve had all day, maybe even all week!
And you’re right, the less I worry and don’t think about it, the sooner things will move on. And I feel like I’m on that road finally. I was wandering around in circles for a while, but I’m starting to get the hang of what it really means to “enjoy being single,” not just dealing with it and expecting the next person to be right around the corner.
I’m taking the time to figure out me and if I’m just supposed to do that by myself, then I’m not gonna question it. God (or for you Buffy-fans, the PtB) may do some crazy things sometimes but I know there’s ultimately a bigger picture and this fraction of my life will pass and hopefully I’ll learn something from it!
So once again thank you so much for the kind words and I hope you find someone special, too! I have no idea who you are, but I like to think everyone in the world deserves somebody to cuddle with. :)
“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”—Dr. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.